This Blog Has Moved!

Hopefully someday I will continue this journey and this blog, but for now I have created a new blog to document the happenings in our family. I do hope you will all follow me to my new blog as I have truly enjoyed being a part of your lives, as you have been a part of mine.

The new blog address is

http://fillmore5.blogspot.com

God's Little Surprises

We had our sonogram yesterday to find out how far along we are: seven weeks, our due date is February 18.  We also saw something we did not expect: two babies.  

After praying for a child for over two years, suffering a miscarriage, traveling the road to Kyrgyzstan for five months, God gives us twins.  We are completely shocked and we feel very blessed. But we are also extremely sad. Prior to the sonogram we prayed about and felt peace about having two babies. We simply thought we would travel to Kyrgyzstan to get one of them.  We do not feel peace about having three infants at the same time.  And so, as much as it grieves our hearts to do so, we feel that we need to delay the arrival of our Kyrgyzstan baby for a little while.  We are experiencing many extreme emotions right now (especially with a double helping of pregnancy hormone) and we ask for your prayers as we learn more about what God has in store for our family. Please pray for a continued healthy pregnancy and two healthy babies.  

We wish all of you still on the journey continued blessings and speedy Fedex packages.  I still want to hear about all the goings on with international adoption and about each of your journeys.  I will be very sad not to be traveling with you.

Sydney's Two Brothers and Two Sisters

The other day Sydney was holding up her fingers and telling me she wanted two brothers and two sisters.  Well, yesterday we took care of the two brothers part of her request.  We adopted two little brothers. Two miniature dachshunds.  We haven't figured out their names yet, maybe I will try to figure out the poll thingy that so many of you are utilizing on your blogs right now.  If you have any suggestions, please post them.  I will try to post some pics of them once we download some from the camera.

And we are working on the two sisters part of her request, as well.  We are jumping through hoop after hoop trying to get to her baby sister in Kyrgyzstan.  And just when we think we have cleared all the hoops, more appear.  But the Lord is in control and He will get us through.  He has already gotten us so far.  This will get us to one of her sisters. The other sister will probably get here first. 

We are pregnant.  We found out the same day we got our letter from Homeland Security; boy was that a pretty exciting day for our family.  We go for a sonogram on July 2nd to find out our due date.  So far everything is going pretty well with the pregnancy aside from A LOT of morning sickness.  I wasn't sick once with Sydney, so this is a big change for me.  We did an early gender detection blood test this week and we found out that we are having a baby girl. Please keep both of our children in your prayers as the days we will meet them draw nearer.

Short Update

We were both able to complete our third, and hopefully final, set of fingerprints yesterday.  They are now on their way to FBI headquarters for our FBI clearance check.  Hopefully they will be super speedy fast and this new requirement will not delay us too much in our dossier completion. I still haven't heard anything from Austin yet on the rest of our dossier being authenticated.  Hopefully we will get that back before the end of the week.

More Requirements

Just when we thought we had the end in sight, more requirements get sent our way for the dossier.  Now we need not only a police fingerprint clearance, a Homeland Security fingerprint clearance, but one from the FBI, too!  There must be a large number of criminals trying to bring foreign born orphans into this country. There are a couple of other small requirements, such as a psychological evaluation (where do you get one of those from?) and other things that will be fairly simple. All in all, once we get these things accomplished and, of course, authenticated in Austin we are looking at probably another six weeks before we can even submit our dossier for translation and then it will be another two months plus for translation before we can be in line for our baby girl. Hopefully, our friends at the FBI will be more efficient than Homeland Security and it won't take quite as long as the I-171 H took.

In other news, we have received an offer on our house. The one we're building. For US to live in. We have been praying for an answer to this little situation we have gotten ourselves into (owning two houses at the same time) and I think this is His answer for us.  Not the one we were hoping for, but I think it is His answer nonetheless. Funny enough, we got the call when Tony and I were in Dallas for a few hours (most of which were spent in airports) picking out granite for the new house.  Our builder called and said he had someone who wanted to buy our house if we were willing to sell it.  Multiple discussions and many pros/cons lists later, we decided to let it go.  At first I was a little possessive and upset that someone wanted to buy our house that we have worked so hard on for the last seven months, but after my initial reaction, I found all I truly felt was relief. What an amazing God we serve!  He answers prayers.  Now we are going to add on to our current house, which is what we should have done in the first place!  

Three Cheers for Homeland Security!!!

It came!  Our I-171H has arrived! And it only took five weeks and two days! That has to be some kind of record for our government.  They must have seen my previous post and realized the gravity of the situation.  Either that, or the dart finally landed on our paperwork.  Three cheers for our brothers (and sisters) at the US Department of Homeland Security: Keeping us safe from invaders.  

Now I will mail our dossier to Austin tomorrow via FedEx and they said it will arrive there on Tuesday morning. Tomorrow I am going to call the Sec of State and see if there is any way to secure a speedy passage through their office; I am not above bribes, people!  Just tell me who and how much.  Can I get in trouble for saying that?  I will update you all on the dossier's progress as soon as I get more information.  Please say a prayer of thanksgiving and rejoicing to the Lord for answering this prayer.

On to other news: Sydney did it! She is officially potty trained!  Sure we still have about one accident a day, but I am calling it done! Thank you for your kind words and prayers of encouragement.  

Now, on to the selling of our house...

Babies in Kyrgyzstan

I have been reading my other blogs (see list at right) and the missionaries there have posted a heartbreaking account of the lives of children over there.  I have copied it here for you to see.

This morning we went to the orphanage in time for the opening of the day care/kindergarten. This will be such a boost for the entire community it is so right on many levels. Many of the parents in the village are at work through the day and there is no one left to look after the kids. It is not uncommon to leave a one or two year old home alone. They simply tie them to a tree, or dig a whole in the field were they are working and put the children in the hole. These many times are the kids that wind up in the orphanages. By providing a full day Care with meals included, it will be the break that is needed to keep families together ... Those that are able to pay will pay a small fee that will enable the orphanage to hire teachers. The day care will also be able to look after the small kids from the orphanage as well. We brought them a bunch of children's puzzles and pillows for the beds. They were put to use right away. It was obvious that they were hand made. They were all different...just like the quilts ... It's so great to teach the kids that, like the pillows,.... they are all special...they are all different....and they are all beautiful.

I have never heard God's voice calling us to bring our child home any louder than I hear it right now.   I have actually followed (read stalked) the mail lady in our neighborhood until she got to our box in the last five weeks hoping, praying, that today is the day.  Each day when I check the mail and it is not there, I hurt inside. Every day that hurt gets a little deeper.  And reading things like this about what happens to the children in Kyrgyzstan makes me want to just get on a plane and go get her.  I believe God has a plan for our family; this is it.  I believe in God's perfect timing; sometimes I need help with the patience.  Pray a special prayer of peace and patience over us as we wait.  Pray for our time to bring our daughter home be now.  

Five Weeks and Counting

I talked with Yvonne (adopted two girls from China) at the library yesterday and asked her if she knew of anyone who had applied for and received an I-171H lately here in Amarillo.  She said the most recent one she knew about took six weeks.  SO... hopefully ours will come in another week or so. Please pray that it comes soon.  Come on Homeland Security!!!!

On the home front, we (I mean me) are attempting the insurmountable task of potty training once again.  Sydney is very interested. In going in her diaper. She has no problem pooping in the potty, but she flat out refuses to tinkle in the potty. I have tried EVERYTHING I can think of to get her to tinkle in the potty, but she just won't do it.  I am not sure she knows how to release her urine into the potty. Diapers? No problem. But the potty is just not happening.  I am trying very hard to stay positive with her, but it's difficult when I ask her to tinkle, sit her on the potty, nothing.  Then as soon as she pulls her pull-up back on, she tinkles.  If anyone out there in Cyberspace has some advice for me, please let me know. I think she wants to be potty trained, she tells me she does. Then she will say, "No, I will just go in my diaper." We have tried rewards, treats, trips to _______, celebrations, big girl panties, peer pressure, and probably some things you shouldn't try.  If you or someone you know has every potty trained a difficult child, please pass on some advice to me.  Before I lose my mind!

Nursery Pictures

Monica has inspired me to post some pictures of our nursery.  

The only pictures I have are of Sydney's two nurseries.  The first four are of her first nursery. We used Classic Winnie the Pooh for the theme.  Tony wants to "recreate" this nursery for the new baby.  I think that can be arranged.  

The bottom picture is of Sydney's current room.  She has informed us that her new room will be pink.  That is her only request.  I think I will paint the walls light pink and the trim will be in white. I will have the artist paint an outdoor scene in the alcove by her window and we will use darker pinks and white for accents on the other walls most likely in polka dots. Or maybe fairies. I am still not sure yet.  

The two girls will each have their own sink/closet areas with a shared bathtub and toilet between them.  Sydney's sink area will be done in pinks, orange and white with butterflies and flowers. Baby girl's sink area will be done in lime green, aqua and yellow with frogs and butterflies.  And the shared area will be all of these colors with an under the sea theme.

Our Blog: Worldwide!

I am so EXCITED!!! I found out today that our blog is being read worldwide!  If you scroll to the bottom of the blog, you will see that I have added a page element known as Clustermaps.  Click on it and it will take you to a map where you can see the locations of where my blog is being read. Someone is reading it in KYRGYZSTAN!!!!  Maybe it is the orphanage workers checking out the babies' potential parents.  Maybe they are even reading it to the babies. Maybe even now, our little girl is being shown pictures of her big sister Sydney and her mommy and daddy.  Oh, how this idea warms my heart.  

This blog post is for you, baby girl, we miss you, we love you very, very much and we are moving Heaven and Earth to get to you as fast as we can.  We pray for you every day and each night.  Sydney tells everyone she meets about you and how Mommy and Daddy are going to fly far, far away on the airplane to bring you home.  Today Mommy made a new cover for your car seat out of pink minky dot fabric and Sydney sat in it to make sure it fit just right.   Sydney thanked God for you during the prayer at dinner and asked for Him to bring you home soon. We cannot wait to bring you home to stay with us forever. Daddy, Mommy, and Sydney love you very much.

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog; just knowing you are all out there supporting us on this great journey encourages me every day.  I thank God for each of you and ask for His continued blessings on you and your families.

San Antonio Pictures

I finally figured out how to post pictures on a post.  The first two were taken at the San Antonio Zoo which is a FANTASTIC place for children under five.  They have this amazing water area for young kids, which we didn't know about beforehand, and Sydney had a BLAST! We had to change her clothes before we left but it was totally worth it for these adorable pictures.  

The bottom pic is from the shark habitat at SeaWorld where, as you can see, you get right up next to the sharks.  Sydney thought this was some kind of magical place.  She named about two dozen of the animals we saw in here, all courtesy of Diego and Dora!

We had a great time in San Antonio and if you are looking for a fun place to take your family this summer it is a great place to go.  Hopefully the next vacation we take will be in Kyrgyzstan!

Prayers Needed

I am sure most of you know who Steven Curtis Chapman is, or have at least heard some of his music.  Yesterday evening, his little girl, Maria, was hit by a car in her family's driveway and killed.  As if this wasn't hard enough, her big brother was the one driving the car.  The Chapmans have adopted three little girls from China and Maria was their five year old, the youngest. Please keep this entire family in your prayers right now, especially the son.

Experimenting

You may have noticed the new blog design.  And if you checked it last night, you may have thought my blog was having an identity crisis as I tried out different looks and colors.  I think I like it this way and will probably leave it like this for a few days. If you see something different, please know I am just tweaking it until it looks just the way I want it.

I met a new friend today who is also adopting from Kyrgyzstan and she lives in Texas.  We are both eagerly awaiting the arrival of our I-171 H letters from Homeland Security. Please pray for us both as we wait for this all important letter together.  We simply cannot get anything else done until we have this piece of paper.

And now an update on the new house: our projected completion date of mid-May has come and gone and now we are looking at sometime in July. I say August.  This is fine with us because we are still waiting on the new owner of our current home to show up. Please pray that whoever this is shows up soon.  I would like to know that our house is sold so I can truly look forward to living in the new house.  Currently all of our woodwork (cabinets, trim, etc.) is finished and they started staining the wood this week.  Due to my serious allergy to toxic fumes of any kind, I will not be stepping even one toe in the house for about a month.  I drove by this afternoon on my way to pick Syd up from preschool and the painters were wearing suits and masks circa E.T. If I had any desire to "peek" and take a look-see, this most assuredly changed my mind quick, fast, and in a hurry.  After this they will begin painting, so it will probably not be until July before I go back inside.    

Plan A

Apparently, I got ragged on a little this morning at the men's group breakfast for not posting more frequently.  I will try to do better.  It would be a lot easier if something was happening.

Nothing is really happening right now as we are STILL waiting on Homeland Security.  Please say a prayer that things will start moving faster in their office so we can get this party started.  Sometimes I wonder what exactly they do all day in their comfy government jobs.  Maybe they have a big board where they post all the papers of those who are waiting on them and everyday they choose someone to throw one dart and whoever it lands on is the lucky one for that day.  They then process that person's paperwork and make their dreams come true.  Please pray that the dart lands on us tomorrow.

I stumbled across a new blog today and found an incredible post about adopting. I have posted it here because I wanted to share with you some of what goes through my mind when I think of the daughter we have not yet met.

Being an adoptive mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her arms making her a mother. The adoptive family came to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. This bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, like the child did within his first mother’s womb. Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss, and memory made they became a family. Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.

Adoptive mothers know that she’s a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart. She gives love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk about the day he was born and of his first parents. Adoptive mothers are embracers, not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child’s heritage and history. She embraces the facts of her child’s past with strength for herself and the child.

She’s not only a memory maker planning family vacations, activities, and birthday parties, but also a memory keeper. Details of a birth, photos of the hospital, and of the parents who brought her into the world are kept along side the newspaper clipping that announced it all. All these things are kept in a special book that tells the whole story.

She’s a tier of shoelaces and of hearts. She weaves lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly, colored threads showcasing their individualities and family origins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.

Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound, deep loss left by adoption. She allows the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mourning of the mom not there. She is secure in knowing that she’s not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.

This role is not for the weak of spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling him her own, but this is what she does, it is her calling. 
She is a mother.

I have read many things about adoption the last few months, really years, and this says it better than any I have read.

Adoption is not Plan B for us; it is Plan A. God has known it all along and He has tried telling us for years.  I am thankful every day that we finally became still and heard His voice, His beautiful, beautiful voice. He has been guiding us to us our second daughter since before Tony and I even met.  I know she is waiting for us and I cannot wait to bring her home.  

Holding Pattern

Well, everyday I check the mail hoping to find our next letter from Homeland Security. And every day, it is not there.  Tony tells me I am crazy thinking it will show up before a minimum of six weeks, but still I look.  I would love to prove him wrong.  I  have faith in our government. Sort of.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but right now at least, no news is good news.  When I have something exciting to post, I'll let you know.  Thank you so much for checking and praying and caring about the new addition to our family.  

Today, Mother's Day, has been a little bittersweet.  Mostly sweet, but there is the feeling of sadness hovering near my heart. It hasn't burst forth yet, and I truly hope it doesn't, but if it does, I know I am in your loving prayers today and it helps. It really does.  Thank you.

Sydney's baby sister

We journeyed the two hours to Lubbock today and completed our fingerprinting.  What a relief it is to have that finished!  Now we have to wait for USCIS to process everything and mail us our I 171 approval.  Once we have that, our dossier is officially complete and we can send it to Austin for authentication. And then it will be off to Washington for translation!  We hope to have it in D.C. by June and then it will be off to the Kyrg republic where we will get in line for our baby girl! God has continued to bless us each step of this journey and we are so excited to watch as His plan for our family continues to unfold.  

I am so moved to think that when our daughter is ready for us to come get her, God will provide for our dossier to be at the top of the list.  It is so beautiful and peaceful to know that His hand is in this "birth" every bit as much as it was with our Sydney.  How amazing to be chosen by Him to experience this awe-inspiring journey to bring our second daughter into our family.  I dream of her often and I only wish I could communicate the beauty and peace I experience in these dreams with you all.  They are the closest thing to Heaven I have experienced next to the birth of Sydney.

Speaking of Sydney, she doesn't understand why her baby sister isn't here yet and she asks often why (as two year olds do) she's not here.  We tell her that her baby sister just isn't ready yet.  She has heard this answer so many times, she has started answering it for herself anytime she asks the question.  It is so exciting being able to share this with her at this age and to see her understand it just a little.  We have purchased a beautiful silk baby blanket for her sister and she asks to sleep with it every week.  She will hold it up to me and ask, "Whose blanket is this?" And then she will answer her own question saying, "It's my baby sister's! I can sleep with it!"  How amazing to share in her enthusiasm for her sister!  Most moving of all, lately she has been including her baby sister in her prayers. She will say, "And thank You for my baby sister; she's not ready yet."  It is such a gift to watch her talk to God about her sister; these two are already starting off with an amazing bond. Please thank God for this precious gift.

Immigration Part 2

Ally at AA received our completed dossier today; I am now calling it our "first draft" dossier.  We have a number of changes to make over the next couple of weeks, but I am confident we can get it done.  Overall she said we made an excellent "dent" in it and was impressed with our progress.  

And now for the big news...drumroll please... when I checked the mail tonight I found a letter from Homeland Security (immigration.)  We have received our referral for fingerprinting!!! This is huge!!! We couldn't move forward at all until we had this little piece of paper approving us for fingerprinting.  Now that we have it, it is just a matter of time until we get the I -171H giving us permission from USCIS to bring a foreign born orphan into the country and raise them as a citizen.  We thank each one of you for lifting us up in prayer for this letter to come; it's an amazing experience to see prayers answered this quickly. What a mighty God we serve!

The Fillmore family is taking a much needed vacation tomorrow, so the changes to the dossier will have to wait until next week.  We are very excited about our time together as a family and appreciate your prayers for us during our down time.  We will try to go to Lubbock next Saturday for the fingerprinting; thank our Father for us that they are open on Saturdays!

Immigration

Our dossier is officially on its way to AA for approval for authentication in Austin.  This means we have jumped through all the hoops and collected all the paperwork necessary for the authentication process which must be completed by the secretary of state in Austin, after which we will be able to send it to Washington for translation.  When I say we have everything I mean we have everything except for the immigration approval.  And who knows when that will come.  They received a copy of the home study last Monday at 9:00 am which is the last document they require.  Now we are waiting on them to mobilize and send us our fingerprinting appointment which we will have to go to Lubbock to complete.  After we are fingerprinted, we must wait on them some more in order to get our approval for adopting a foreign born orphan.  Please pray that the government moves faster so we can move along with our adoption.  We have to wait for the immigration approval to come before we can send our dossier to the sec of state.  Once we have this much coveted document, we are off and running!!!

God Has Given

A dear friend shared her own grief with me today because she knows what a tough time I am having right now.  She shared the dream she had of the daughter she never got to hold, and the powerful healing she received from it. In her dream, God asked her to name her baby girl, and she encouraged me to do the same.  After some prayer and thought, I knew this was a step I needed to take, but until now, I haven't allowed myself to even entertain the idea of naming him.  I once again felt the overwhelming power of the Spirit calling me to action.  After more prayer, I knew what his name meant, I just needed to find out what the name that went with it was.  

And his name is Jonathan.  My son's name is Jonathan.  

Moving along...

Only a few things left to get before we can send our dossier to Austin for authentication.  We are both waiting on our medical reports to get finished.  We need to get our evidence of residency documents signed by our builder and notarized.  Our accountant has a few documents she needs to get finished and notarized.  And Tony needs two signatures on his proof of employment before he can get them notarized.  And once all of these are done, we can send it of for approval and then authentication.  I am hopeful these things will get finished this week so we can send it off for approval and authentication next week.

I was visiting with one of my new friends tonight (she is also adopting from Kyrgyzstan) and we got to wondering if our baby girls are born yet or if they've even been conceived. I really believe our little girl has been conceived for sure, maybe even born already.  And thinking about her leads my thoughts to her birth mother.  My heart goes out to her and I want to ask you to say a special prayer of peace for her tonight.  She has done the most selfless thing for her little girl and it weighs heavily on my heart how hard it is (or will be) for her.  I want her to know I already love this little girl as she would want me to, and I want more than anything to be her mother.  I can never thank her enough for what she has done.

Rough Waters

Yesterday was a really rough day. Not for the adoption, it was actually a great day with getting the home study and mailing it of to USCIS for fingerprinting approval.  It was a tough day because I let the devil prey on my negative thoughts which sent me into a tailspin.

Sydney had a really rough day and was very needy.  I had many things I needed to get done, but because of the way she would not entertain herself for even a minute I couldn't get anything done without her crying.  I realize now she simply needed attention and in the future I will stop what I am doing for a little while simply to play with her, hold her, or whatever.  I hope that will make whatever I am doing a little easier when I try to do it again. If anyone has advice on this, please let me know.  I want to be the mom she deserves and yesterday I was not.  

And I am starting to lose faith that our house will ever sell and we will not be able to move into the beautiful home we are building. We have put so much time into designing this house and planning every detail, if we don't move into it in July, I am going to be really sad.  I know God is in control, but I am beginning to think He wants us to stay put.  I don't want to make any more decisions about the new house because I want to get on board with not moving.  Tony came home with a negative attitude about selling our house on Monday and I let it affect me way too much. By the end of the week, I was so depressed about not selling our house I wanted to put a for sale sign in the yard of the other house, too.  Friends, please pray for us to sell our house and quickly because that is what I really want.  But also pray that if we are not supposed to move, God will help us be at peace with it.

To Do List

"The Fillmore family is approved to adopt a female child, as healthy as possible, between the ages of three months and eighteen months from Kyrgyzstan."

These are the words that brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart today. Our fabulous social worker emailed the home study report to me today to make sure everything was correct.  And it was.  We have officially been approved to adopt our baby girl!!!

Now only a few things to do before our dossier goes off to Kyrgyzstan.

1-Mail home study report to USCIS for immigration approval

2-Mail dossier to Adoption Ark for approval for authentication

3-Mail dossier to Secretary of State in Austin for authentication

4-Mail dossier to Washington DC for translation into Kyrg

I plan to do items 1 and 2 simultaneously if at all possible.  This way if AA finds something wrong with all our other documents, I will be able to correct them before I can move on to item number 3 which cannot be completed until 1 and 2 are done.  

We have much to celebrate today. Praise be to the Lord!

 

Carry Each Other's Burdens

I have finally discovered just how I ended up in that pit.  After the loss of our son, the grief I was experiencing became too much for me to bear. On my own.  And instead of turning to my friends who love me dearly, I subconsciously began pushing everyone away.  It started very subtly, for you know the enemy is crafty, but before very long I had cut myself off from the pain so completely, I found that I had shut off more than my feelings of grief, I had shut off all of my emotions entirely.  I could find no true joy or peace.  I didn't enjoy being with friends or family. I had hardened my heart to God, in order to "protect" myself from the pain.  

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 

Boy, He sure knows how to speak right to my heart.  I am humbled and honored that He would love me. Thank You, Father, for the gift of the Scriptures. Please remind me to turn to them when I am lost. And when I am found. 

Upon further reflection of last night's posts, I find myself turning to Galatians 6 for a little reminder. 

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently...Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 

I thank our Father for giving me the gift of spiritual partners who walk with me daily.  Even when I am choosing to push them away.  My girls knew something was wrong and they gently restored me by reminding me they had always been with me and that I was not alone.  The love I have for you is deeper than you could ever know this side of Heaven. Thank you, friends.

Things I Have Learned

I do not believe there is any "reason" to experience a miscarriage. But I know that there are things we can (and should) learn from everything in life.

I know I will grieve for my son until the day I join him in Heaven.

I know God gave me an incredible gift when He blessed me with my dream of him.

I know my friends love me more than I deserve.

And I know we would not be this close to finding our daughter if I was eight months pregnant right now.  I know we would still find her one day, but that day would not be today.  I don't know why this is God's plan for us, but I do know that it is. And I rejoice in the knowledge that He is blessing us each step of the way and He is on this journey with us as we travel it.  I am convicted that right now is His time for us to bring our daughter home and I am humbled that He has called us to experience the incredible gift of adoption.  We are His adopted children and He loves us not "as His own," but because we are His own.   What an amazing God we serve!

The Blessing of Friends

Sometimes you go through things, hard things, and when you come out on the other side, you are changed.  It is much this way with losing a child.  I never thought I would experience this, no one ever does.  And when I did, I fell into a deep, dark pit. And I couldn't get out. For a time, I don't think I even wanted to get out.  I knew I needed to, if not for myself, then for my daughter who definitely deserved a mother happier than I was.  I began pushing everyone away, even my husband, to the point that I was shutting everyone out. Even myself. And most especially God. But God, who loves me more than I deserve, was not willing to let me stay in that pit.  He sent my two best and dearest friends in the world into the pit after me.  And boy was I angry!  I didn't want them anywhere near my hole, and I definitely didn't want them to come in after me. But, come in they did, and out I came whether I liked it or not.  And I love them all the more because of it.  Praise be to the Lord for blessing me with my friends.  And may He continue to bless them in countless ways for allowing Him to use them to reach me.  I have waited almost twenty-five years for friends such as you, and you were worth more than the wait. I am blessed beyond measure.  Thank you, girls; I love you.

The One We Lost

I had a really tough weekend last weekend and I am just now ready to blog about it.  We had a friend at church have a baby shower for their soon-to-be here son. I didn't want to go to the shower and I didn't really allow myself to think about why not.  God wasn't going to allow me to bury my head in the sand over this one, so He used ways only He has to get me to acknowledge what was really going on emotionally.  I can't even write about this without crying; our baby boy would be about a month from being born right now if we hadn't lost him. The same exact place this little boy is. And we should be celebrating his arrival right now, too.  But, since we lost him, no one really knows that this is a tough time for me (us).  I know that I am not alone in my grief right now because unfortunately since we lost him I have been comforted by many (too many) dear friends who have lost babies, too.  I have not allowed myself to grieve for our son since we lost him and as a result, this has hit me pretty hard.  My heart still aches for our little boy and I know now, it always will.  If you are reading this right now and you have been through this, please know you are not alone, and you never will be.  Just because we don't talk about it all the time, doesn't mean it is not always in our hearts. Our little ones are waiting for us and will be the very first ones to greet us when we go home someday. Praise be to God!

The night before I miscarried, I had a dream. It was one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had.  My husband and I were in an orphanage looking at the children.  Across the room  I saw a little boy I knew to be our son.  We went over to him and saw that he had three arms.  I asked him how old he was and he held up seven fingers on two of his hands.  We smiled at each other and God blessed me with experiencing the love of my son.  I delighted in his presence.  Then he held up his other hand and waved to me saying, "Goodbye, Mommy."  My eyes filled with tears and I woke up.  Tears were streaming down my face and I quickly awoke Tony to share this dream with him.  It was just minutes later that I began to miscarry.

Over the past few months I have had much time to reflect on this miraculous dream and the one feeling I keep coming back to is overwhelming love and thanksgiving to God for granting me those precious few moments with our son before he left us to be with the Father.  I will cherish this gift from Him all the days of my life.  Thank You, Father.

Home Study Complete!

We have finished the home study interviews! And now as soon as our social worker gets her report finished, we will mail it to the Dallas Field Office for our USCIS approval which is the last step before we mail our dossier to the Secretary of State for authentication.  We are closer than ever to completing our dossier for translation which is when they will send it to Kyrgyzstan for approval.  

God has blessed us beyond measure each step of the way and we are so excited to see what else He is going to do on this journey.  Praise be to the Lord for the many blessings we have experienced as we seek our daughter.

Home Study Tomorrow!

We are going to have our three home study interviews tomorrow.  I will do mine in the morning, Tony will do his in the afternoon and then we will complete the one together.  I completed my doctor exam today, but if the USCIS approval takes too long, I may have to redo it as it is only valid for six months.  Hopefully, everything will fall into place before that happens.  Please be praying that everything goes smoothly with the USCIS approval.  

Home Study Next Week

Our social worker has scheduled our home study to begin next week. We are very excited to get this step of the process completed because many other things are waiting on this to be finished before we can move forward.  Hopefully once this gets done the rest will start falling into place.  

Tony and I both completed our fingerprinting this week for our police clearance for the dossier.  I will go to my doctor on Monday to get my complete physical and blood work done for the dossier.  This is only good for six months so hopefully the other elements of the dossier will be completed within  the next six months otherwise I will have to repeat this appointment.

Our Journey Begins

We have been praying about adoption for many years and we have always believed it could be in God's plan for our family; we just weren't sure when.  On February 5, 2008, God revealed to our family that His time for us to find our daughter was now.  And so begins our journey to find our little girl and bring her home.  

I have been encouraged by many people to create an online journal about our journey.  After reading many different adoption blogs and deciding the time had come to start our blog, I am ready to adventure into the cyberworld; a place I never really thought I would go.  If any of you experienced "bloggers" have any advice for how to create one of these, please let me know.  I will try to update this whenever something new happens in our adoption.  Thank you for wanting to experience this wonderful miracle God has placed in our lives.  We request and appreciate all of your prayers for our little girl and patience for us as we wait for her to come home.