Sunday, April 6, 2008

The One We Lost

I had a really tough weekend last weekend and I am just now ready to blog about it.  We had a friend at church have a baby shower for their soon-to-be here son. I didn't want to go to the shower and I didn't really allow myself to think about why not.  God wasn't going to allow me to bury my head in the sand over this one, so He used ways only He has to get me to acknowledge what was really going on emotionally.  I can't even write about this without crying; our baby boy would be about a month from being born right now if we hadn't lost him. The same exact place this little boy is. And we should be celebrating his arrival right now, too.  But, since we lost him, no one really knows that this is a tough time for me (us).  I know that I am not alone in my grief right now because unfortunately since we lost him I have been comforted by many (too many) dear friends who have lost babies, too.  I have not allowed myself to grieve for our son since we lost him and as a result, this has hit me pretty hard.  My heart still aches for our little boy and I know now, it always will.  If you are reading this right now and you have been through this, please know you are not alone, and you never will be.  Just because we don't talk about it all the time, doesn't mean it is not always in our hearts. Our little ones are waiting for us and will be the very first ones to greet us when we go home someday. Praise be to God!

The night before I miscarried, I had a dream. It was one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had.  My husband and I were in an orphanage looking at the children.  Across the room  I saw a little boy I knew to be our son.  We went over to him and saw that he had three arms.  I asked him how old he was and he held up seven fingers on two of his hands.  We smiled at each other and God blessed me with experiencing the love of my son.  I delighted in his presence.  Then he held up his other hand and waved to me saying, "Goodbye, Mommy."  My eyes filled with tears and I woke up.  Tears were streaming down my face and I quickly awoke Tony to share this dream with him.  It was just minutes later that I began to miscarry.

Over the past few months I have had much time to reflect on this miraculous dream and the one feeling I keep coming back to is overwhelming love and thanksgiving to God for granting me those precious few moments with our son before he left us to be with the Father.  I will cherish this gift from Him all the days of my life.  Thank You, Father.

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